D-Wade and Bernie the Mascot: Beauty in Motion

Dave "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" Hensel returns to reflect on the surreal and sublime his unthawed mind witnessed from the stands at Game 3 of the Miami Heat-Atlanta Hawks series. -pH

Television Makes Dwayne Wade Look Slow

I counted at least four highlight reel plays by Wade – two trampoline dunks and two beautiful blocked shots (including one with two hands, like a volleyball player stuffing ba spike).  Still, the best play I saw that night came on a missed layup.  That is because I witnessed, in person, Dwayne Wade’s crossover dribble.

Television does not do this move justice.  Wade had the ball at the top of the key, waited for his defender to lean right, and then exploded to the left.  He missed the ensuing layup but, as only Dwayne Wade can, drew the foul.  Now, I’ve watched Jordan in person.  I’ve seen John Stockton, and Reggie Miller too.  I viewed White Men Can’t Jump.  I’ve never seen anything like Wade’s crossover.  It’s effortless and lightning quick, like watching Mike Tyson throw an undercut in the first minute and thirty seconds of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.  It alone was worth the price of the ticket.

And seriously, is there anyone better at drawing a defensive foul than Wade?  The game’s best player at drawing offensive fouls is potentially looming in the second round – the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Anderson Verajao.  If that turns out to be the matchup, it will be like watching a crash test dummy take on the wall.

Jermaine O’Neal is a Very Serviceable 35 Year Old...

Problem is, the team guide lists him as 30. 

During a timeout, the Heat brought a group of geriatric dancers called the Golden Oldies to perform a routine in Phantom of the Opera facemasks (and yes – it’s as creepy as it sounds).  I could have sworn Jermaine O’Neal was up there.  He plays basketball the way a 65 year old dances – stiff, slow, and self conscious.

All this raises an intriguing question.  The Indiana Pacers drafted O’Neal 12 years ago out of high school, and although he’s only 30, he’s played in a lot of games.  Kevin Garnett seems to be breaking down at 32.  Going back a little farther, Darryl Dawkins and Shawn Kemp, both drafted extremely young, broke down early.  Do games played matter more than age?  Is Kobe next? (Probably not.)  Especially considering all the playoff games already under his belt, will LeBron make it past 30? (Yes.)  Is Kwame Brown in for a tough second act to his career? (Couldn’t be as bad as the first act, could it?)  With the first wave of high school draft picks hitting there 30s, this is definitely something to look out for.

Joe Johnson is Most Definitely Underrated

Joe Johnson is so quiet on the floor, you look up and he’s scored ten points, and you haven’t seen any of them.  He looks nondescript.  He plays nondescript.  His name is nondescript.  And yet, I love his game.  There’s nothing flashy or insincere about him; rather, he’ll get you points when you need them, pick up his teammates when they need it, and lead without showing off. 

If his name were Octagon Hammertime and he wore headband and played in Los Angeles, sports talk radio hosts and fans alike would be talking about him.  But his name is Joe Johnson and he plays in Atlanta.  This is his lot in life. 

 

Bernie the Mascot is a Beautiful Dancer

Speaking of nondescript, how does one describe Bernie the Mascot?  He makes the Philly Phanatic look downright human.  He’s also a jerk.  Seriously.  Years ago, I once watched him reach into some guy’s back pocket during a game, pull out his wallet, and toss it into the upper deck.  This begged the question – what on earth do the Heat see in him.

Now I know.  During a timeout, he danced to a medley ranging from Tchaikovsky to Baby’s Got Back.  The, uh, guy’s got moves.  He’s everything Jermaine O’Neal is not.

 

Black is Back?

Before the game, I was handed a tee-shirt by Heat staff that reads: “Miami Heat, Black is Back.”  I can’t tell if this is offensive or awesome.  My PC radar is on the fritz.  Can I wear this around New York?  It’s hot this week.