D-Wade and Bernie the Mascot: Beauty in Motion

Dave "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" Hensel returns to reflect on the surreal and sublime his unthawed mind witnessed from the stands at Game 3 of the Miami Heat-Atlanta Hawks series. -pH

Television Makes Dwayne Wade Look Slow

I counted at least four highlight reel plays by Wade – two trampoline dunks and two beautiful blocked shots (including one with two hands, like a volleyball player stuffing ba spike).  Still, the best play I saw that night came on a missed layup.  That is because I witnessed, in person, Dwayne Wade’s crossover dribble.

Television does not do this move justice.  Wade had the ball at the top of the key, waited for his defender to lean right, and then exploded to the left.  He missed the ensuing layup but, as only Dwayne Wade can, drew the foul.  Now, I’ve watched Jordan in person.  I’ve seen John Stockton, and Reggie Miller too.  I viewed White Men Can’t Jump.  I’ve never seen anything like Wade’s crossover.  It’s effortless and lightning quick, like watching Mike Tyson throw an undercut in the first minute and thirty seconds of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.  It alone was worth the price of the ticket.

And seriously, is there anyone better at drawing a defensive foul than Wade?  The game’s best player at drawing offensive fouls is potentially looming in the second round – the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Anderson Verajao.  If that turns out to be the matchup, it will be like watching a crash test dummy take on the wall.

Jermaine O’Neal is a Very Serviceable 35 Year Old...

Problem is, the team guide lists him as 30. 

During a timeout, the Heat brought a group of geriatric dancers called the Golden Oldies to perform a routine in Phantom of the Opera facemasks (and yes – it’s as creepy as it sounds).  I could have sworn Jermaine O’Neal was up there.  He plays basketball the way a 65 year old dances – stiff, slow, and self conscious.

All this raises an intriguing question.  The Indiana Pacers drafted O’Neal 12 years ago out of high school, and although he’s only 30, he’s played in a lot of games.  Kevin Garnett seems to be breaking down at 32.  Going back a little farther, Darryl Dawkins and Shawn Kemp, both drafted extremely young, broke down early.  Do games played matter more than age?  Is Kobe next? (Probably not.)  Especially considering all the playoff games already under his belt, will LeBron make it past 30? (Yes.)  Is Kwame Brown in for a tough second act to his career? (Couldn’t be as bad as the first act, could it?)  With the first wave of high school draft picks hitting there 30s, this is definitely something to look out for.

Joe Johnson is Most Definitely Underrated

Joe Johnson is so quiet on the floor, you look up and he’s scored ten points, and you haven’t seen any of them.  He looks nondescript.  He plays nondescript.  His name is nondescript.  And yet, I love his game.  There’s nothing flashy or insincere about him; rather, he’ll get you points when you need them, pick up his teammates when they need it, and lead without showing off. 

If his name were Octagon Hammertime and he wore headband and played in Los Angeles, sports talk radio hosts and fans alike would be talking about him.  But his name is Joe Johnson and he plays in Atlanta.  This is his lot in life. 

 

Bernie the Mascot is a Beautiful Dancer

Speaking of nondescript, how does one describe Bernie the Mascot?  He makes the Philly Phanatic look downright human.  He’s also a jerk.  Seriously.  Years ago, I once watched him reach into some guy’s back pocket during a game, pull out his wallet, and toss it into the upper deck.  This begged the question – what on earth do the Heat see in him.

Now I know.  During a timeout, he danced to a medley ranging from Tchaikovsky to Baby’s Got Back.  The, uh, guy’s got moves.  He’s everything Jermaine O’Neal is not.

 

Black is Back?

Before the game, I was handed a tee-shirt by Heat staff that reads: “Miami Heat, Black is Back.”  I can’t tell if this is offensive or awesome.  My PC radar is on the fritz.  Can I wear this around New York?  It’s hot this week. 

     

CHALK IT UP: TAR HEELS SHOULD DOMINATE

[Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship] April 6, 2009 @ Ford Field. Detroit, MI.  Year-to-date: Cumulative 13-3. +9.5 units

That’s why they play the game.

That is the answer to the age-old question of why one should look forward to watch a championship game. At any level of competition, the emotions stirred and pressures unveiled when glory is at stake is as good a reason as any to enjoy being alive. Team or individual endeavor it matters not.

As best put by a fan sign I saw during the MSU-UConn semi-final game last Saturday: Heroes die; legends live forever.

In our nation’s sports culture the underdog is embraced like nowhere else, and when the Michigan State Spartans face the North Carolina Tar Heels tonight, sentimentality will extremely favor the de facto representatives of Detroit, the most economically brutalized metropolitan area in these historically bad economic times. Not surprisingly, MSU has been tagged as a team of destiny having already upset two other regional #1 seeds to arrive at this evening’s championship.

However, Ford Field provided little in the way of home-field advantage four months ago when North Carolina schooled MSU by 35 points. The extenuating circumstances pointed out in this article are legitimate so expecting more of the same for a team that has played so well recently is naïve, but the underlying point, as I’ve said before the tourney began, is that at their best North Carolina can make any team in the nation look amateurish.

NORTH CAROLINA (-7.5) vs  Michigan State. 1 unit.   The real problem for the Spartans tonight is that the Tar Heels are NOT defending champions. The four NBA draft-ready starters from Chapel Hill have been biding their time since last year’s embarrassing semi-final loss to Kansas for this precise moment. There is no entitlement-risk by taking the favorites tonight. Since we’re dealing with college-aged “student-athletes,” and not hardened professional, this is a factor that can’t be overlooked.

The great equalizer on any given night is great point guard play and sublime 3-point shooting, but it’s impossible not to give the distinct edge to the likes of PG Ty Lawson, SG Wayne Ellington, and G/F Danny Green who are frequently take wide-open shots because teams have to respect the interior play of host of post players, not the least of which is four-time All-America Tyler Hansbrough; does it really matter if he doesn’t project to be a NBA stud?

While most will be watching looking for an upset and some sort of karmic signal that our economy is on the path to recovery, I’m going to enjoy watching a college team that I’ve actually been able to see develop as a team the last three years assert their dominance and earn their deserved coronation as 2009 champions.  Prediction: 84-72.  Actual final: 89-72, pretty damn close!